给丹麦小伙评改英语习作

在上篇评改吴慧冬老师的英语文章之后,李晨指出国内英语教育对于“写作交流”能力的培养不到位的现象。刘鹰老师在评论中也提出英语写作的确是国内英语教育的一道硬伤,且明确指出现阶段写作教学中对于逻辑连贯能力培养的欠缺。鉴于此,李晨决定在目前有限的写博时间之内,以评改英语习作为主要目标(包凡一老师的博客中也有很多写作评改文章),一方面为暑期的教学做准备,另一方面为广大以英语爱好者提供一些写作评改范例,希望大家批评指正。

下文出自一位丹麦学生之手,文中主题谈论的是过去与现在大众对“英雄”的不同定义。全文整体而言语法不是大问题,但是很多该表达出的意思没有说出来,比如并不是所有的人都知道谁是Horatio Nelson,所以在文中必须稍加说明;此外,文中还出现欧洲国家的学生常犯的一些写作错误,比如用“’s”来表示复数,或混淆“there”与“their”等;再者,文中的内在逻辑仍然需要予以分段后才能凸显出来,且有些句子之间欠缺连接词,所以在改后稿中予以补全。

习作原文 李晨评改

Heroes before and then

Horatio Nelson is one of those personalities, which many see as a true British hero.However, heroes are different nowadays, especially if the media reflect the reality. Today it is athletes, celebrities from TV, who are worshipped as heroes and not people, who are fighting for a bigger cause.It can be difficult to accept these new idols. The elder generation, who is thinking back on the heroes of the Second World War , is surprised over the fact, that a pop idol or a Robinson-competitor almost is adored by there grandchildren’s.Today’s media hero is mostly fighting their own immortality than the salvation of the nation, and it’s awful that the latest about the Big Brother competitor’s is so important that the public must see them on the front page.Money is also an important factor. If the investor’s see a reasonable budget, they invest, and their money is creating new heroes. Sports have for a long time been an area, that create heroes, but with the big financial interest’s there is involved today, a VM gold medal is the direct path to glorification. The hometown arranges a hero welcome, the spectator’s are cheering, the orchestra is playing, and the family is interviewed.

Nevertheless, the society is not very concerned about the fate of the heroes after the medals are given. It can be difficult to be a hero, when everybody soon forgets one, in the sea of news, which changes all the time. Suddenly and maybe, undeserved fame is not a new invention, but maybe the masses are more faithless nowadays.

Heroes Before and Then

Horatio Nelson, the 18th century admiral remembered from the Battle of Trafalgar, is one of those people, who many see as a true British hero. Nowadays, however, heroes are different especially if you agree that the media (注意“the media”是一个集合名词,口语中作为单数或复数形式看待均可,但是写作中只能看作复数形式) reflect reality. Today they are athletes and celebrities from TV, who are worshipped as different from others, who are fighting for a bigger cause. 

It can be difficult to accept these new idols. The older generation, who is thinking back on the heroes of the Second World War, is surprised over the fact that a pop idol or a Robinson-competitor is adored by their grandchildren. Today’s media heroes are mostly fighting for their own immortality than the salvation of the nation.  Although it is less than desirable, the latest news from the reality show “Big Brother” has a pervasive influence that the public can see them on the front page of any newspaper.

Money is also an important factor in the making of today’s heroes. If investors see a reasonable budget which can yield good profits, they invest; and their money creates new heroes.  Sports have for a long time been a source for traditional heroes. However, with the corporate financial interests there are nowadays, a VM gold medal is the direct path to glorification. The hometown arranges a hero welcoming party, the spectators cheers, the orchestra plays, and the family is interviewed. 

Nevertheless, society is not very concerned with the fate of these heroes after the medals are given. It can be difficult to be a hero, when everybody soon forgets one in the ocean of news, which changes all the time. One may conclude that undeserved fame is not lasting, and that maybe the reason why the masses are less loyal to their “heroes” nowadays.

3 Responses to “给丹麦小伙评改英语习作”

  1. 1
    刘鹰 Says:

    Good job, Steven! Keep going.

    I will recommend your two articles on my web site instead of cross posting due to the format problems.

  2. 2
    刘鹰个人网站 - 刘鹰网志 » 强力推荐李晨批改的英语习作文章 Says:

    [...] 给丹麦小伙改英语 [...]

  3. 3
    李晨 Says:

    Thanks very much for your kind remarks, Derek :lol: I’ve posted yet another follow-up article with a selected bibliography for current writing pedagogy.

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